About 5 months ago, it was a quiet moment, I noticed an unfamiliar feeling. It was odd! I was happy (sort of), content (truly!), calm and peaceful, and yet, there was this tug on my comfort, like a non-stretch PJ top when you turn over at night. “What is that?!” I wondered.
And then slowly like the sun coming up over the horizon, it dawned on me; “I’m feeling sober (maybe) for the first time in my life!”
You see, pleasing others has been my thing for a long time. Whether at home, with my first husband, later with my second and my son, in my community, with friends, or with complete strangers. Ask me for help, time, money, or a meeting, and if I could make it somehow I’d most likely say yes, give or just do it, whatever it was.
Yep! I’ll repeat that part because it may not be obvious at first. I did so much pretending it was for others. Now I know it was a lie! The truth? I did it so others would like me, maybe even love me. I was serving my own needs under the disguise of giving to others to the point of slow and steady self-destruction physically, mentally, and even financially.
It took me eight years to see it, name it and change it.
And now, here I was sitting on my patio that sunny spring day feeling a little uncomfortable with all the space and quiet time I had. The phone was quiet, no requests, no visitors, I had the job flexibility I always wanted, work I loved, peace, tremendous joy, and freedom. I felt a little fragile yet, strong within, very clear, and light-headed all at once. This was new.
I’m a recovering people pleaser. This is my journey.